15 of Dana Carvey’s Master of Disguise Characters, Ranked

Are you turtley enough for the turtle club? If you remember Dana Carvey's 2002 comedy The Master of Disguise, then you most certainly are. We decided to rank all 15 of Dana Carvey's main characters in the movie from worst to best.

Keep in mind, this movie came out 22 years ago, so some of these characters have aged better than others. That being said, we've used the power of Energico to rank them according to our personal opinions.

Admittedly, The Master of Disguise was not very well received by critics back in 2002 — in fact, it was absolutely ripped to shreds, standing at just a paltry 1% on the Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer. But some might say it deserves some more respect than it got. Say what you will about this movie, but in the words of Pistachio Disguisey, it's "so crazy, it just might work."

Here are 15 of Dana Carvey's characters from The Master of Disguise, ranked from worst to best.

15. Prince Lamijama

Alright, let's get this one out of the way up front.

Yes, Prince Lamijama was a tad racist. Dana Carvey was indeed in brownface here as an Indian snake charmer who plays Kenny G's "Songbird" on a plastic recorder to coax his pet snake, Buttercup, out of her basket.

This character definitely aged like milk, earning it the lowest spot on our list.

14. The Trojan Man

Another blink-and-you'd-miss-it moment, but still, it's a funny one.

While Grandfather (Harold Gould) is explaining the history of the Disguisey family, he reveals to his grandson Pistachio — that's Carvey's main character in the movie, the guy underneath all the disguises — that the Disguiseys have been using their powers of Energico, the force that allows them to transform into anyone or anything at any time, for generations.

They go back to Europe in ancient times, when thieves were trying to steal valuable artifacts. Carvey plays this Trojan soldier-looking man pretending to be a statue who hilariously pokes a thief in the butt with his sword to stop him from making off with some sort of bronze vase.

13. Abraham Lincoln

The Disguiseys were around in the mid-1800s as well, when they helped Abraham Lincoln add some pizazz to his speeches on the campaign trail.

This one is pretty funny because it's just Dana Carvey in an Abraham Lincoln costume dancing to "I Like To Move It" by Reel 2 Reel.

12. Cow Pie Man

This one is a pretty standard poop joke, but it gets points for thinking outside the box. To escape Devlin Bowman's (Brent Spiner) henchman, he hides in a field of cows as a literal cow pie. The henchman step on his poop mask by accident, leaving a boot print.

When Pistachio, as Cow Pie Man, stands up wearing a suit made of grass, it's so unexpectedly absurd that it draws a laugh — at least out of some of us.

11. Cherry Pie Man

Similar to Cow Pie Man, the aforementioned Cherry Pie Man emerges from, you guessed it, a cherry pie. Covered in slippery cherries, Pistachio evades the henchman because he's literally too slick to catch.

Bonus points for the moment in this scene when he starts firing cherries out of his mouth like a machine gun, hitting one henchman directly in the forehead like a gunshot wound in a gangster movie.

10. Pistachio Disguisey

And now, we come to Pistachio himself. A nerdy Italian waiter working in his family's restaurant, Pistachio isn't very remarkable — until he learns about his secret power of disguise. His call to action is his mother (Edie McClurg) and his father, Fabrizzio (James Brolin), getting kidnapped by villain Devlin Bowman (Brent Spiner).

Pistachio is funny because he's so weird. He wears underwear on his head, makes a beard out of shaving cream, and worships his mother's cannolis. He's also great at impressions, from the southern couple whose accents he imitates at the restaurant ("Are you mockin' my husband? Cause you better not be") to Donkey from Shrek.

One of Pistachio's most memorable lines is, "That's crazy. So crazy, it just might work."

9. Braces Girl

This one never fails to crack me up. In a brief scene at the beginning when Pistachio is just learning how to put on disguises, he disguises himself (not very convincingly) as a girl with braces and long red pig tails.

It's enough to con a teenage boy, however, who hands him a rose, making Pistachio blush.

8. The Toy Salesman (Tro-Bubbles)

Technically, the toy salesman only appears in the credits and in the deleted scenes, but he's so memorable that you'd think he was in the actual movie.

He appears in a toy store scene opposite Jennifer (played by Jennifer Esposito) as Pistachio's assistant and love interest. Devlin Bowman asks the toy salesman to show him some toys, so he pulls out a yoyo, but he can't get it to work. "Whoopsy cadabra, looks more like a no-yo!" the toy salesman yells, before mumbling incoherently while waving the string in Bowman's face. "Easy now, I don't want any tro-bubble!"

What's funny about him is mostly the costume featuring a handlebar mustache, a top hat, and, yes, a fat suit, which renders Dana Carvey almost unrecognizable.

7. Quint From Jaws

Carvey does a pretty spot-on impression of Robert Shaw's shark hunter character Quint from Jaws. Rowing on a pond in a row boat called Orca, he starts mumbling about a great white shark and calling the henchman who are after him "my wee Spanish ladies."

Then he tells a story that's kind of like the wreck of the U.S.S. Indianapolis, except it inexplicably involves an ice cream man.

"Ever seen a shark's eyes, chief? Kinda like doll's eyes, all black and lifeless like," Carvey says as Quint. "Twenty-nine kids go in the water, 22 kids come out of the water. The ice cream man'll take the rest. April the 9th, half past 4 p.m."

6. George W. Bush

At the end of the movie, Pistachio disguises himself as George W. Bush. Carvey famously played George Bush Sr. on Saturday Night Live and even had a friendship with the former president, but he does an impression of the younger George here. And it's hilariously spot-on.

In his signature Texas accent, Carvey repeats the iconic line from earlier in the movie, complete with hand gestures: "This is what you're doing," he says, opening and closing his hand like a mouth talking.

"This is what I want you to do," he says, clamping his hand shut, like a person shutting their yapper.

5. Terry Suave

A detective from Scotland Yard, Terry Suave attempts to rescue Jennifer by request of the British government as part of Operation Minty Hippo.

What is Operation Minty Hippo, you ask? Well, I could tell you, but it would be a real "ding dong diggy diggy ding wad, hut one, hut two, I need a Charleston Chew. Get it? Got it? Doubt it."

Anyways, Terry Suave never gets old.

3. Constable Mueller

From the Bavarian Tax Authority, Constable Mueller comes as another rescue attempt for Jennifer.

Claiming that she owed a substantial amount of back taxes from her time at the University of Hidelstrüdel, the Constable is funny because of his German accent, his goofy little laugh, and his giant fake teeth.

But don't worry, he's not going to bite.

3. Mr. Peru

Okay, this one is pure gold. Carvey does an impression of Al Pacino's Scarface character Tony Montana in this scene at Devlin Bowman's party. Wearing a silk shirt unbuttoned to reveal excessive chest hair and waving around a shrunken head, he says, "Say hello to my little friend."

Then, after heckling a waiter serving hors d'oeuvres — "with your attitude, they ought to be called crabby cakes," Mr. Peru starts dancing, quite impressively I might add, to "Conga" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine.

Is this bit a little questionable in today's age, considering that Carvey is neither Peruvian nor Cuban? Perhaps. But then we'd have to come for Al Pacino, too.

2. Gammy Num Nums

Gammy Num Nums has me in stitches every single time I watch this scene. She's just Carvey in an old lady costume, but her weirdly intense flirting with Devlin Bowman is just so absurd that it's hilarious.

"My, aren't you a tall drink of water? And I just love MOISTURE," Gammy says.

After assuring him that his "desires" are perfectly normal, Bowman says he's not interested. To which Gammy fires back:

"Well guess what, Backstreet Boy? This is one girl scout that isn't content to be the Malcolm in your middle!"

1. The Turtle Guy

Of course, this is Carvey's most memorable bit from The Master of Disguise. I fear that the phrase "Am I not turtley enough for the turtle club?" will live rent free in my head for the rest of my life.

Perhaps what makes this scene so enduring is the sheer absurdity of it. A turtle suit? With a bald cap and a prosthetic upper lip like a turtle's? Couldn't get any weirder, except it could — the turtle guy also bites a man's nose clean off and then flings it back onto his face as if nothing happened.

But my favorite line is this thinly veiled threat: "What if harm found it's way to you? Terrible terrible turtle harm?"

Long live the turtle guy.

Honorable Mentions

There are a handful of other characters who seem to have been cut out of the movie, so they just made it into the end credits or in deleted scenes. Among them are Groucho Marx ("How that elephant got into my pajamas, I'll never know"), Bob Ross, a dinosaur, Spartacus ("Unleash hell"), Forrest Gump, a Frenchman who pretends to be a queen, a ventriloquist dummy, and Dracula.

There's also Henchman Steve (pictured above) towards the end, who doesn't really count because he's not played by Dana Carvey in disguise, but by actor Mitch Silpa. It's the scene when Pistachio's disguise is given away by his Cherry Pie Man shoes.

All of these honorable mentions are funny, in my opinion — but then again, I love this movie more than most people. You're mileage may vary.

And we should also mention that if you want to watch The Master of Disguise, it's streaming for free on Tubi or for purchase on YouTube, Apple TV, and Amazon Prime Video.

Liked This List of Master of Disguise Characters, Ranked?

You might also like 11 2000s Movies That Didn’t Age Well